If I recall correctly, I’m Sandi, this here is My Blog Thang, and you are my kind and incredibly patient Lovely Readers.
Nice to see you again.
I have been playing catch-up with all my various inboxen, and it turns out I’ve got quite a few messages asking where I am, am I OK, please just blog a few words to let us know, we miss you, we’re concerned….
I am deeply touched by your caring, folks. Waaayyyy down in that place in one’s heart where we are all 10 years old, feeling shaky and nervous about coming back to the playground after being gone for a bit. The what-if-no-one-noticed-I-was-gone place.
You are so kind; I’m sorry some of you were concerned enough to try and get hold of me. Thank you. Xo
I am so grateful for your kindness that I have spent literally the last week writing this post for you. Could it have been shorter? Maybe sí, maybe no.
All that matters is that your caring gives me the energy to Try.
Winter Ought To Be A Controlled Substance
Here’s a surprise for you: Turns out I have a wickedly evil case of SAD, aka Seasonal Affective Disorder. You have probably noticed that around the beginning of the year, for three years running (I think), I write a blog post in January~and then I go silent until the sun’s been out for a month or so, around May/June-ish. (Ta-da! Here I am!)
This was a terrible winter for all kinds of places. Here, we had something horrific like 83 days in a row with temps below freezing, sometimes waaaaaayyyyy below. We didn’t have the worst winter out of all cities; but it was the worst winter ever for me.
The Special Lights didn’t help. Daylight bulbs in our ceiling lights, ditto. Meds kept me afloat, but afloat in a very not-Sandi sort of way. In short: Somewhere between minus 27 and minus 13, I lost Sandi.
I can’t really explain the feeling of losing one’s very self, the personality one has become used to, and fond of, more or less. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t do super-creative things like I usually can. I was cranky. I had panic attacks. I was irritable (let’s face it: I was a bitch). I was exhausted all the time, I withdrew, and felt sorry for myself, and I stopped making the bed.
Somewhere along the line, I found Allie’s blog, HyperboleAndAHalf.. Not only did I find her, I found in her a voice that could tell oh-so-vividly what the evil demon Depression feels like. (Allie, all I can say is, thanks for being so damn brave.)
All I have to say is: What Allie Said.
Also: Depression, You Suck.
The summer solstice has now passed, I’ve had large doses of sunshine, my toes are finally warm, and for a few weeks, I was almost back to my usual sparkly self. I was overjoyed about that, let me tell you.
Personally, I really don’t like wearing the Bitch Tiara.
The last week or three, however, I have noticed myself slowly being sucked under again. Turns out that this time period corresponds to: (a) several Stress Zombie Vultures circling over my house, and (b) me not checking in on my usual Ravelry hangouts, thus getting a wee bit too isolated from the folks who make my life rich and full of Good Things (this, of course, includes you Bloggity Folks, as well!)
I decided to try and claw myself out of this slump. Even though I don’t really feel much like Sandi at the moment, I notice that if I push myself to pick up a spindle or write a bit, it helps. Digging my claws in to climb up takes a hell of a lot of energy, and sometimes more courage than I think I have.
And then I open an inboxen and see another caring note, asking if I am OK.
I wish this didn’t sound so incredibly sappy, but on the other hand, it’s very true right now: You folks, you are the wind beneath my wings, helping me to get enough lift so I can practice my wing-tricks again.
The interesting bit is that as I slowly Claw Upwards, I discover that my creative energy is still there. It went into hibernation for an unbearably awful season, and it’s having a rough wake-up, but, here I am.
Looks like you are stuck with me.
Chispas! The return of!
~ We need a wee giggle after all that soul-baring, methinks. A Tale of Stupid Dog and Helper Dog, by Allie.
~ I became utterly choked with giggling burbling sobs upon reading that one. Here’s why:
~ May I present our very own much-beloved Stupid Dog, Buddy. I tried the exact same tests on Buddy…and he did exactly the same things as Original Stupid Dog (accept no imitations!) Dr. Cutie and I fell to our knees with Silly Cry, and then I witnessed – for the first time ever – Dr C rolling over flat-backed to the floor, Giggling Hysterically whilst pounding the floor (hardwood, nice tone) with both fists.
~ Here’s another Stupid Dog and Helper Dog story. Remember how much fun it was when we moved from Colorado to here in Ontario? Yup. More good times.)
~ Simplest Fudge Ever. Because chocolate is a medical necessity when one is depressed. (The rest of that blog is fairly awesome, too.)
~ This is my newest crush:
His name is Sir Tip, he’s at least 13, and he purrs like an old-fashioned noisy vacuum cleaner. He lives with his family of minions outside of Boston, and one sunny day, he deigned to come snuggle with me, allowing a few Dignified Portraits to be taken.
~ I know I swore I would not take up a new crafty thing, I would not take up a new crafty thing…but stand back, because I’m GoingGnome. You should see what lives with me now. You should see the adorable mushroom that was my first needle-felted work of artsy-crafty. (Actually, you will see all of this, once I get the hang of photos and blogging using The App For That on my iPad.
~ Apparently, I am the first person in the history of Apple Canada to take my laptop in for a wee bit of a hangup and subsequently end up surrounded by Geniuses, all Gawking and saying, I can’t believe your motherboard is completely rotted through! I’ve never seen that happen before! And it was still working? Awesome.
~ No laptop, ergo living la vida iPad.
~ I need a cute baby animal per tradition, don’t I? Hmmm….
Later, gators. I’ve got photos for next time of some happy colorful pretty fun things for you.
And, yes, Her Royal Llamaness sends her love. 🙂
Sir Tip declares that this most certainly IS an extremely dignified portrait. The pose, the expression…one of the Classics in Feline Fine Art.