Time Changes


Time stopped functioning properly, for me anyway, the day in late February when I got the phone call from my mom.

“The Phone Call”, as it were, since it seems that this particular sort of call is nearly always referred to in verbal capital letters. The minute one speaks that phrase with a particular intonation, it is instantly understood, at least in North American culture, what one is referring to.

Monday afternoon, February waning; my phone ringing. Then: Dad was in hospital; what was to come in the immediate future was uncertain, but perhaps I ought to get a plane ticket and fly “home” in the next day or two.

For the next few weeks, I would find myself pondering at odd moments, the quirk in our psyches that sometimes has adult children equating “home” with the house where Mom and Dad are living, regardless of extraneous facts such as where we grew up, how long we did (or did not, in my case) live in that particular house, etc. Mom lives there, Dad has his favourite chair there; family celebrations are held there. It’s Home, a Platonic Form of all things safe and loved, all things family and belonging.

I listened to my mom’s voice, did the usual daughterly calculations, and decided the heck with waiting for a plane flight, I was going to leave now, as in as soon as I could pack up my little green Bug and get out on the road.

Less than two hours later, I was in the Bug and on the highway headed for central Illinois. The next evening, I was with my mom and sister at the dinner table, grateful to have skipped the horror of the security lines at Pearson International (Toronto) Airport, the indignities of seating arrangements that force one into unwanted intimacy with strangers for hours on end. The following three days were days of Grace, precious hours spent with Dad before he peacefully slipped away into that green, sunlit valley on the other side, on the morning of March 3.

Dad May 23 2004 edited

Bill Sproule, my Dad (at our wedding, May 23, 2004)

This may sound ridiculous, but I found the following a steadying thought in the days that followed: I had never lost a parent before, and thus I literally had no idea what to expect, how to feel, what to think, what to do and when to do it. The flip side of this thought was this: No one expects you to know what to do, or behave a certain way, or follow some set of unwritten precepts. Again and again, I heard people around my mom and my sisters and I say things like: “It’s OK, don’t worry, everyone grieves in their own way, and there’s no right way to do it.”

I also was truly grateful for the space given to those who are mourning: Of course there will be times of tension. Of course there are bound to be emotional outbursts out of proportion to the mundane tasks at hand. Those who mourn are granted a certain freedom, a certain social permission to not be Socially Correct for a while. That graceful acknowledgment by those around us of the enormity of what we were going through was deeply comforting during these days, weeks, and beyond, of adjusting to the new reality of Dad Is Gone.

I’m still in shock. I know that, and those around me know it. I notice that I am avoiding writing (or speaking) about Dad himself, about anything too close to home, as it were. None of this is quite real to me yet. However, there is still the memorial service to get through, so perhaps I am to be allowed a bit of self-muffling, a certain degree of numbness, in order that I can do what is, perhaps, one of the most important jobs of Daughters, of Sons, at such a time: Supporting Mom through these days of public grief, just being there to add whatever comforts I can add to my mother’s already formidable reserves of strength.

As I say: Time isn’t working properly at present. Not for me, not yet.

I am infinitely grateful that this is a rather normal and to-be-expected symptom of grief. I know there are no rules, but it is reassuring to know that others have gone before me on this journey, this odd, timeless, chaotic journey after a loved parent has died, and what’s more, that those others have not only gone before me, but come out the other side, to the place where the clock starts running normally again, to the place where grief becomes a living memorial to Dad, instead of an island, remote and frozen, where time stops because the unthinkable has happened, and all the bits in one’s heart and soul have to stop what they are doing and rearrange themselves for the next season of life, the time where the clock ticks on, but clicks on with one parent instead of two.

My sisters and I have already informed Mom in not-completely-joking terms, that she, of course, is Not Allowed to Die. Yet. Not for a long while, we hope.

I, myself, need more time with her before that particular time change occurs.

Those of you with fathers still here on earth: Please call your dad tonight, or hug him if he is nearby. (Same goes for mothers, of course. Kiss ’em if you got ’em.) This bit of time and connection will cost you so little; it will be priceless someday.

I do have some lovely knitting to show off, but now is not the time. I hope know you will understand.

Stitch peacefully.
Sandi

About sandi

Knitter. Spinner. Quilter. UFO Wrangler. Sometime bead artist and weaver. Two toddler-age kittens, 1 permakitten, 2 grownup cats, 1 beloved dog angel, 1 spouse, 1 crazy life. I suppose that the 5 cats make me 1 crazy cat lady; OTOH, apparently, yes, I do need that much feline supervision.
This entry was posted in Family, Just Life, Ponderings, Travel, Wheel of the Year. Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Time Changes

  1. I’m so sorry about your Dad. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  2. teabird says:

    Sandi, I am so sorry for your loss, your Mom’s loss, and the difficult path ahead. Thinking loving thoughts for you —

  3. Sharon says:

    I send my condolences for your loss, along with a prayer for strength to see you through this time of sadness.

  4. MSueM says:

    Sandi, it is a journey, this time you are passing through. Be sure to hold hands with those that accompany you. Know you are loved.

  5. Gwen says:

    Love for you and yours.

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. While it may not seem like it now, or even in the next few months, there will come a time when memories do not hurt but bring a smile and joy. When thoughts of your father comfort you rather than slash at you

    All the love and hugs for you and yours

  7. Mardi says:

    Many hugs. Many, many hugs. Olaf sends kisses too.

  8. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  9. rebeccaworks says:

    I’m very sorry for your loss. Strength and peace to you as you go through this life season.

    And yes, everyone does grieve differently.

    Rebecca Carpenter

  10. Cathy says:

    Much love to you and yours. So sorry for the death of your dad.

  11. pattifromky says:

    I am so sorry for the loss of your father. It is one of the hardest things I have gone through in my life, and am sending you thoughts and prayers during this time.

  12. Cidrolin says:

    Sending all the love to you to accompany you on this journey.

  13. Holly says:

    Lovely picture of your Dad. Lost my Dad nearly 12 years ago. So thankful for the lovely picture I have of him and my Daughters wedding, smiling and so very happy. Love & prayers to you and yours.

  14. eremophila says:

    I’m sure it wasn’t easy to write this, so I acknowledge your courage in your time of grief. Take care.

  15. Jerri says:

    I know what it is like to lose a parent and appreciate that you took the time and effort to write about it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself and love those around you.

  16. elaine says:

    Thoughts and prayers for you and yours ~ It’s a difficult journey with no specific rhyme or reason, at least it seems that way for me. Take care ~ knit when you can. It seems to help.
    )))hugs(((

  17. Oh Sandi … so sorry to hear this, but so lovely to read your beautifully crafted words of tribute, and of hope. “One day at a time….”, and with continued knitting, you’ll come through this. ❤

  18. Barbara says:

    Deepest sympathy on the loss of your Dad.

  19. Sandy Strickland says:

    All my love with lots and lots of hugs.

  20. Joan Houck says:

    Hug from Buffalo across the pond …

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